Posts Tagged ‘prayer beads’

Six years ago, tonight, we opened the Walk of the Fallen—the Labyrinth itself, not this blog. Upon that night, we lit a fire, I put on my very old Army Class A uniform and those simple ribbons and awards I was entitled to wear, and I went out to read a list of the dead from the Iraq War. I had not yet begun writing the names of those fallen in Afghanistan.

The Labyrinth began as a form of mourning and protesting a war I thought unjustly begun, based upon lies. The war in Afghanistan, at least then, struck me as having more plausible cause. I had just over 400 names that night, and besides the list in my hand, each of those was written upon a luminaria glowing in the dark around the circuits of the Walk. Pagan friends and family were with us that night as the full moon appeared and disappeared behind heavy clouds. A young trumpeteer came and played “Taps” at the end and the clouds wept upon the stones in finish.

The second year, there were over 1100 dead, in Iraq alone. And in 2005, I listed 2500+ names on tiny slips of card-stock, slipped them into glass test tubes and mounted them on a wall behind plexiglass frames. That was the last year I opened the Walk to the public on Veterans’ Day…and nobody came at all.

The year Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast, I quietly stung beads, one per dead troop and hung them upon the monument. The following Memorial Day, I wrote names and added strands for the troops that had died in Afghanistan.

So it has gone since. I keep the books of the dead—Americans and Coalition troops from the effort in Afghanistan and Iraq. At each new moon, I look at the totals and when a full 200 more bright lives have been snuffed out, I string shining beads and carry them to the center stone. Weekly, I walk each newly released name within, and pour a libation upon the stone and wish them peace and justice.

In winter now, the beads will reside inside for shelter from the wet and bitter cold; some of the more fragile beads shattered and I have re-strung and replaced half the strands. They hang by my altar and indoors or out, remind me of the debts of a nation not nearly grateful enough for the courage and fortitude of its military men and women.

I will soon add more beads, including beads for those who died at Ft. Hood this week. For although the Army will not count them as casualties of the wars, they certainly would not be dead if those wars were not ongoing.

My praise and honor to the men and women of the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, and Coast Guard! May your God(s) keep you and bless you with all good things, or if the fortunes of war so fall out, may they take you to whatever eternal home comforts you and bring solace to your survivors.

The newest counting/prayer strand goes on the central stone of the Walk tonight as the full moon lights the clouds above me making a livid bruised sky with showers of tears from above. When, I wonder, will I see an end of stringing beads with little “centurion” skeletons for every hundred dead? Some nights, it is just harder to walk there, carrying a string of tears and prayers and loss.

I am too sleepy to be coherent. But the Labyrinth altar and the center monument were washed clean for the memorial reading of ALL the names since the wars began in 2001. More later…for now, the picture only of the freshly washed prayer/counter beads on the cleaned monument.

A good bookkeeper has to be honest, and look for mistakes even if she or he hopes there are none.  I keep the names of those who have died in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and it has been a work in progress.  At first, I kept only the names of Americans killed in Iraq.  But then, realizing that men had been dying in Afghanistan for two years before we even went to Iraq, I played catch-up as well as I could.  And finally, I added the names of the many Coalition troops from around the world.  But every time I checked data in a book I found I had missed names.

My most recent self-audit using the new Google map site was no different.  I discovered many names I had missed.  I completely discarded the books of years 2001 through 2006 and re-wrote them all in one huge leather-covered volume.  I began work on this last Wednesday and have spent eight to twelve hours a day here at the computer since.  Would that the one site would be perfection, but it is not.  I have to check against two or three other sites for various reasons.

The mapthefallen.org site has numerous issues still.  It scrambles Hispanic and other complicated names that don’t fit the John Q. Normal name pattern, only my memory of how the names should have been cued me to find the correct spelling and order so I could get the details of the death correct in my books.  Also, the pictures are not accurate, particularly for the Coalition nations aside from the US—a single blonde male will appear for three Nordic names!  And I discovered a couple glaring errors in the date of death for some soldiers; the new correction program is very cumbersome indeed and I did not have time to negotiate it for every mangled Hispanic name or wrong photograph.

Still, with the help of this new site, I have the most complete list ever.  After completely re-writing the first six years worth of names, I then edited 2007’s little day by day journal and rapidly checked the 2008 journal for missed names.  There were a few, but fewer than the earlier years since I have built a stock of “where to look”.  My 2009 book is going very well indeed in terms of accuracy.

But it was the most draining and tiring thing I have ever done in my life.  I had not originally written down the cause of death for each troop lost….doing so painted a vivid picture of the wars in my mind.

The words “Anbar Province” have become synonymous with the words “meat grinder” in my head—so many Marines have bled on that piece of property that by all rights, the sand should be forever red.

And I have learned some things:

Unlike in movies, tanks are not safe zones: IEDs (improvised explosive devices) still kill you…and so does small arms fire.  The gunners at the top are very vulnerable. And a vehicle that is called the “Mine Proof” vehicle?  There is something wrong with it being mangled by IEDs and leaving dead troops in it’s wake.

Military vehicles have no seatbelts—rollovers KILL people.  And rolling into water is very deadly.  For desert nations, there are a lot of very real water hazards for our troops.

The news media reports every time soldiers at a checkpoint kill a civilian; but do they report how many men die at checkpoints when run over, shot or blown up BY civilians?  We also hear about it when a military vehicle hits a civilian.  But have you heard of all the vehicle rollovers and soldier deaths when the driver whipped the steering wheel to avoid a civilian vehicle?

My fingers tingle, my wrists ache.  I filled my fountain pen more times than I can count and am stained with blue ink.  My heart is more full than the pen could ever be….and come Nov 11th….the one-time, ” Armistice Day”  I will read the entire list of more than 5700 names at the Labyrinth, just for all the ones I have somehow missed calling from that sacred spot until now.  Until then, I hold those names of the fallen in my books, on strings of bright beads strung to count them, and in my head….tumbling ’round like song lyrics.  My eyes hold the many pictures, the beauty of my people of my world: beauty we have spent and lost in blood and shattered bone.

This last weekend did not go as I had originally planned.  It began well enough, with a Friday evening on the shore, watching kites, birds, sailboats and passing couples in love.  It began with sunlight splendor on the water, and plans for meeting women for a party.  But then, the unintended took over.  Friday night I tossed is a sweat-soaked bed in pain because those soft evening breezes on the beach chilled my damaged and titanium-clipped neck.  Soon, the muscle spasms spread to mid and lower back.  Saturday morning I despaired and sent my “Not coming, busy writhing.” note to friends.

I was exhausted and ate and went back to bed, still hurting.  Lying down eased the pain and I slept.  I had wild and wonderful dreams.  I woke feeling energized, if still recognizing the need to move carefully and less than usual.  I got out my bead box.  I am not the craftiest person on earth and feel artistically impaired most of the time.  But a friend’s daughter had a birthday and money being tight, I was determined to create something worthy without going broke.

I found beautiful strands of peacock colored freshwater pearls in my little chest of shiny delights.  Never used because the drill holes in these pearls were so tiny my needles wouldn’t pass, on impulse I picked up the nylon beading cord and found it went through the holes with no needle!  Soon, I had a beautiful pearl necklace lying before me—and by happy coincidence made of the birthstone of June.

I couldn’t stop with the birthday necklace.  I took tiny loose seed beads and made a necklace to hold a jet and crystal bee given to me by a beloved teenager…it looks like silvery nectar with bits of pollen and evokes the hive to this one-time-beekeeper.  Then I made a necklace of smoked quartz rounds, long owned and never used….they feel like little wheels of change against my throat! The color evokes every sabbat fire every burned here….this Smoke of Many Fires necklet is a magic thing.

When my back twinges, I rest, I nap, I eat.  I use a prayer strand recently made at our women’s circle; I realize how perfectly these beads could be merged with candle magic.  I am feeling a strange bliss rising over the pain in my back.  And Saturday night I dream of my Gods, I hear the pipes and bells that connote Herne for me and wake before dawn on Sunday with an image of Him coming as Lover, wrapped in barbed wire that will pierce me and pain me.  But that wave of bliss overrides it all, and for the first time in my long life of chronic pain, I realize I am not fighting the pain.

I rise, I make a new prayer bead strand for use in many justice issues.  Its beads are brown and red-orange and the pendant is a tiger-striped glass heart.  My back still aches, but I feel NEW.  I run my hands over my own face, neck, skin feeling tangibly different and I marvel at the transformation that came in the night like dreams, but stayed into daylight.  And then I know something I have not said to myself before.

Pain is not my stopping point.  Pain is my starting point.  Pain is not my enemy; it is the lover that reveals ignored places in myself.  It is not my ruler, nor need I conquer it.  It sits beside me on my life’s duet and half the beauty of my life springs from that source.  It is the brier to my rose.  It blunts my thorns like I softened the edges of thorns on my rose-cane wand and makes manageable the sharpness that is me.

Tiger-hearted prayer beads….made out of pain and bliss, for calming the savage beast inside and releasing the battle to be won.

America has seen more caskets coming home—but at last, at least, we do see them on the news that so chooses to cover their last homecoming.  (As always, photographs of the fallen and other information can be found by going to the Main Page(walkofthefallen.com) and hitting the “Links” button)

U.S. Army Sgt. Devin C. Poche, 25, of Jacksonville, N.C., died in Iraq, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident.

U.S. Air Force Staff Sgt. Phillip A Myers, 30, of Hopewell Va, died  in Afghanistan of wounds suffered from an improvised explosive device.

Cpt. Vasile-Iuliu Ungaras, 32, of Romania, died in Afghanistan of an IED attack.

Cpt. Tiberius Petre, 33, of Romania, died in Afghanistan of an IED attack

U.S. Army Sgt. Daniel J. Beard, 24, of Buffalo, N.Y., died  in Iraq, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident.

U.S. Army Spc. Israel Candelaria Mejias, 28, of San Lorenzo, Puerto Rico, died in Iraq, of wounds sustained when a mine detonated near him during combat operations.

U.S. Army Spc. Adam M. Kuligowski, 21, of Arlington, Va., died  in  Afghanistan, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident.

U.S. Marine Lance Cpl. Stephen F. Dearmon, 21, of Crossville, Tenn., died  as a result of a non-hostile incident in  Iraq

PFC Azdin Chadli, 20, of the Netherlands, died in Afghanistan from the wounds caused by a rocket attack.

U.S. Marine Lance Cpl. Blaise A. Oleski, 22, of Holland Patent, N.Y., while supporting combat operations in Afghanistan

That time again, the moon is waning away….and with it, alas, more lives.  Lift a cup in commemoration and commiseration with the loved ones in mourning.

U.S. Marine Lance Cpl. Patrick A. Malone, 21, of Ocala, Fla., died in Iraq as a result of a non-hostile incident.

U.S. Navy Petty Officer 1st Class Theophilus K. Ansong, 34, of Bristow, Va., was lost at sea Feb 4 while  assigned to USS San Antonio (LPD 17) as it conducted operations in the Gulf of Aden while supporting the war in Iraq. (No idea why it took the Navy SO long to report this death.)

U.S. Air Force Staff Sgt. Timothy L. Bowles, 24, of Tucson, Ariz.,  died in Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when his vehicle encountered an IED.

U.S. Marine Staff Sgt. Archie A. Taylor, 37, of Tomball, Texas, died  as a result of a non-hostile incident in Afghanistan.

The following three U.S. Army men died in Afghanistan as a result of an IED explosion…the same one, I believe, as killed the Air Force sergeant—same date and identical location:

Sgt. Christopher P. Abeyta, 23, of Midlothian, Ill.

Spc. Robert M. Weinger, 24, of Round Lake Beach, Ill.

Spc. Norman L. Cain III, 22, of Oregon, Ill.

U.S. Army Spc. Gary L. Moore, 25, of Del City, Okla., died  in  Iraq, of wounds sustained when an explosive device struck his vehicle.

Cpl Mathew Hopkins, 21, of Australia, died in Afghanistan in hostile small arms fire.

Cpl John Dean, 25, of the United Kingdom, died in Afghanistan in an IED explosion.

Cpl Graeme Stiff, 24, of the United Kingdom, died in Afghanistan in an IED explosion.

That time again, those lost in the wars over the last moon phase….

U.S. Army Staff Sgt. Sean D. Diamond, 41, of Dublin, Calif.,  in  Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his vehicle.  He was from our local Ft. Lewis Army base.

U.S. Army Cpl. Stephen S. Thompson, 23, of Tulsa, Okla., died in Iraq of injuries sustained from a gunshot wound.

U.S. Army Sgt. 1st Class Raymond J. Munden, 35, of Mesquite, Texas, died in Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when insurgents attacked his unit using indirect fire

U.S. Army National Guard PFC Cwislyn K. Walter, 19, of Honolulu, Hawaii died  in  Kuwait, supporting the war in Iraq,  of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident.

U.S. Air Force Staff Sgt. Timothy P. Davis, 28, of Aberdeen, Wash., died in Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when his vehicle encountered an improvised explosive device.

LCpl Stephen Kingscott, 22, of The United Kingdom died in Afghanistan in an attack using small arms fire.

U.S. Marine Sgt. Daniel L. Hanson, 24 (hometown unknown presently) died in Afghanistan in combat ops involving hostile fire.

Staff Sgt. Jeremy E. Bessa, 26, of Woodridge IL, died in  Afghanistan, when his military vehicle was struck by an improvised explosive device followed by small arms fire attack by enemy forces.

Master Sgt. David L. Hurt, 36, of Tucson, AZ, in Afghanistan, from wounds received during the same incident.

Staff Sgt. Mark C. Baum, 32, of Telford, Pa., died  in Iraq, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked his unit using small arms fire.

Spring is coming.  Gardens and Labyrinths will be demanding time.  Also, projects of sewing and photography.

And winter launched the last guided germ missile, I have a cold and feel crummy.

Therefore, relative silence here will ensue for a while.  But hey, jump into the blogroll because ALL those folks have LOTS to say!  And better than I can say it most of the time.  Beads will be added to the monument as the count demands and I will post the moon phases lists as usual, and perhaps the occasional photo, but substantive wordy things are falling by my personal wayside for a while.

Sorry to be late posting….our router died and we couldn’t keep a connection long enough to get anything real done over the last couple days.

U.S. Army Spc. Peter J. Courcy, 22, of Frisco, Texas. died in Afghanistan of an IED attack

U.S. Army Pfc. Jason R. Watson, 19, of Many, La.  died in Afghanistan of an IED attack

The following four Army personnel were killed in Iraq by an IED:

Lt. Col. Garnet R. Derby, 44, of Missoula, Mont.

Sgt. Joshua A. Ward, 30, of Scottsville, Ky.

Pfc. Albert R. Jex, 23, of Phoenix, Ariz.

Pfc. Jonathan R. Roberge, 22, of Leominster, Mass.

U.S. Army Staff Sgt. Marc J. Small, 29, of Collegeville, Pa., died in Afghanistan during an RPG attack.

UK Army Pvt. Ryan Wrathall died in Iraq of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

WO Andrzej Rozmiarek of Poland died in Afghanistan in a vehicular accident.

Cpt. Patrice Sonzogni of France died in Afghanistan in an IED attack.

Marine Darren Smith of the UK died in Aghanistan of small arms fire.